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The Tales of Ulysses: Chapter 11 - The Big Horsey Ride
Artist/Band: Classiscus Anonymous
OK, here are a few of the questions that Homer leaves more or less unexamined in the Story of the Trojan Horse. Questions like "So What DID all those Greeks do inside That Big Wooden Horsey BEFORE they Slaughtered the Trojans?" and "How did Ulysses Convince the Other Greeks that Hiding in a Big Wooden Horsey was a Good Idea in the First Place?" and perhaps most importantly, "How Exactly did the Trojans Come to Believe that Tearing Down Their City Gates the Day after the End of a 10 Year Siege Was a Good Idea" On a somewhat lesser level of detail perhaps, is the issue of where did they find giant wooden horse parts and plans and then secretly assemble them, but more to the point Homer COMPLETELY neglects to consider the handling characteristics of a ANY giant wooden animal on the road on the primitive roads of Asia Minor.
Trust me, for a bedrock of Western Literature and Civilization, Homer's answers to these questions are remarkably lame.
Fortunately for Civilization, Dan McLaughlin's version, "The Big Horsey Ride," rescues this tale from the dustbin of ridicule and restores its classic luster by answering these vital questions. Mr. McLaughlin postulates that the Trojan Horse was actually the archetypical Summer Vacation From Hell and that Ulysses was the first Dad to cajole his crew on a "fun adventure" by promising them ice cream "when they get there". Ulysses was the first to then endure the sounds of the crew playing with their Trojan War Super Hero Action Figure (with Action Sound Effects), and breaking up such games as Pummeling Your Sister Because She Is An Annoying Know-It-All. Ulysses was also the first dad to deal with the inevitable horse breakdown and negotiation with the local mechanic (who needs to special order some vitally needed part from a distant location).
Any similarities between the experience of Ulysses and any American suburban family's vacation within the last 50 years just goes to show you how classical literature does indeed illustrate timeless truths.
Mr. McLaughlin, himself a long-term government bureaucrat of good standing, also offers the first plausible explanation of the why the Trojans actually accepted the Horsey "gift" that has ever been recorded on a cd.
Classicus Anonymous consists of Mark Sellin as Ulysses; Dan McLaughlin as Tellausastrious, Leda the person, and the Old Coot; Alexis Schneider as Hera and Athena; Kirsten Ragsdale as Ovaria; Chris Gauntt as Monotestes and Demicranial, the Supervisor; Greg Moore as Zues, the Roadside Mechanic and the First Trojan Guard; and Mark Weber as the Recording God, Mixer, Engineer and Keeper of All Things Cable.