What Would Happen If Erma Bombeck Bought A Vibrator
By: Blanche Belljar
Only 99 cents at Amazon
This is one of the funniest stories about buying and using a vibrator for the first time that you will ever read. It is written in the style of Erma Bombeck, who liked to write about trying out new items of interest to homemakers in the 1970's. As far as I know, she wasn't bipolar—but I am—and I just bought and used a vibrator for the first time. For readers 18+
5 STAR REVIEWS: Here's what readers are saying about this book:
"Delightfully funny and poignantly honest, she showed us how to beat the bipolar monster and get the sex back."
"Told unabashedly from a first person account, it is tastefully written and will make you laugh out loud at the author's experience getting aquainted with a new addition to her sexual arsenal."
Greetings gentle reader, today's offering is eye candy for those of you that enjoy stories set in the fantasy realm. For us writers it is known as 'the heroes journey', where the central character embarks on a life changing journey of discovery. Written entirely tongue-in-cheek, the following is meant to tickle your funny-bone as much as instill a sense of wonder...so without further adeiu: <blockquote>
It?s all Joe can do to keep a straight face.
"Uh, either way is good."
"Fine. Have you been told what needs to be done?"
"Either you have or you haven?t. Which one is it?"
"Given the circumstances, I think I?d like to hear it again."
"Very well but remember, you?ve already agreed to go and it?s too late to turn back now."
"Yeah, whatever." Joe replies.
"The Heart of Magic is missing. Your job is to recover The Heart and return it here, where it belongs, got it?"
"I got that part but no one?s told me who took it and what this ?heart? looks like."
"The Heart of Magic is not a thing but a living being and you?ll know it when you see it. As far as we know no one took it, we only know where it went."
Joe purses his lips and shoots a frosty glance at Erin.
"All will be made clear huh?"
"What part of ?you?ll know it when you see it? didn?t you get?" Erin shoots back.
Joe rubs his furrowed brow and shakes his head.
"I didn?t expect this to be easy but I was expecting a little more help. Where?s this ?guide? they?re sending along with me?"
"Right here" replies a tiny voice that jingles like a talking wind chime. Joe stares at Ulieo in disbelief.
"This is just beautiful, you didn?t tell me that you were sending me to **** with Tinkerbell!"
Ulieo jangles with fury at the mention of the famous fairy?s name.
"Ix-nay on the inkerbell-tay if you don?t want to wear your gonads for earmuffs." Erin cautions.
"Her and what ar?Ooof!" Joe hits the ground with a thud, clutching his groin.
When Joe finally recovers it is light again and he finds himself alone in the now deserted circle of stones. He looks about for Erin and her wizard friend but they are nowhere in sight.
"What happened?" Joe croaks hoarsely.
"I think you were about to apologize to me." Ulieo tinkles coolly.
"Oh, right! Uh, I?m wicked sorry. I didn?t mean to upset you." He mumbles sincerely. And you better hope that we don?t happen upon a bugzapper somewhere in our travels or you?re toast! He thinks to himself.
"Are you ready?" Ulieo asks. Joe gingerly pulls himself erect and nods in the affirmative.
"Which way?" he grunts.
"Think you can walk to Nevermore?" Ulieo tinkles, amused.
Joe gives Ulieo an astonished look; he has an idea what the fairy is hinting at.
"Think happy thoughts!" Ulieo chimes as she sprinkles him with pixie dust. At first nothing happens. Then Joe recalls the Christmas when his parents gave him a pony?and he levitates off the ground.
It suddenly occurs to Joe that his parents were dirt poor and he?s lived in an apartment all his life; there never was a pony?
And he plummets towards the earth!
"Nice pony, thanks Mom and Dad!" He holds this thought until he catches up with the tiny fairy.
"Uh, I never got a pony as a kid." Joe explains.
"It doesn?t matter. The thought of getting one made you sufficiently happy." Ulieo replies.
"Well, I?ve never had a date with Barbie either. If I imagined that I had, would I go supersonic?" Ulieo does not answer but instead shoots away into the distance, leaving a sparkling trail of pixie dust for Joe to follow. Joe does his best to keep up, flying as fast as he dares.
He doesn?t want the fairy to get too big a lead or he may lose her?and he has no idea how to get out of here on his own.
The trail of pixie dust leads Joe toward what appears to be the flickering lights of a large city. The closer he gets, the larger the metropolis becomes.
"I ain?t never seen nothin? like this in no fairy tale" Joe mutters. Ulieo?s dust trail vanishes in a rundown part of the sprawling city. Joe is startled to find himself standing at the corner of a deserted intersection, no longer aloft.
He tries to will himself back into to flight but he is unsuccessful. Either he?s all happied out or it?s more than a coincidence that he became earthbound the same place Ulieo?s trail of pixie dust gave out.
Joe reaches into his leather jacket and palms his mother of pearl handled straight razor. Joe is no stranger to the city and he knows the mean streets when he sees them.
On his own again, Joe sets off in search of the nearest bar figuring it will be the likeliest place he?ll get a handle on his quarry. He walks towards what appears to be downtown and he spots a ?bag lady? digging in a dumpster.
The ancient, toothless bearded hag farts and a lightening bolt shoots from her backside, instantly frying a nearby rat. The hag cackles with glee at her handiwork. She picks up the flash fried rodent by it?s thick tail and swallows it whole, followed moments later by a burp that shoots flames twenty feet into the air!
Joe gets a sinking feeling in his gut as the words ?You?ll know it when you see it? ring in his mind. He eyes the old girl suspiciously but decides to stick with his first impulse rather than spend any more time checking out this dangerous, albeit weird phenomenon.
His instincts serve him well and before long he sees a rowdy group exiting an alleyway, obviously drunk. Joe waits until they clear the area and cautiously enters. The alley is pitch black but a few yards ahead a single lantern illuminates a sign over a doorway. Joe smiles when he reads the sign, The Magic Harp. </blockqute>
In this tale I insert an average, er, self-styled tough guy into an extremely unfamilair set of circumstances...with the obvious results.
Anyway, you can read all about Joe's magical adventure in Big Question, my collection of short stories that in this instance asks, why would magical creatures require non-magical assistance?
This humorous, PG-rated mystery about a teenager sleuth, who's very similar to Nancy Drew, is written especially for women baby boomers who grew up reading and loving the Nancy Drew series. It takes place in the French Quarter of New Orleans where Nancy, along with her father and friends, go on vacation. When the concierge at their hotel dies mysteriously, Nancy is hot on the trail to find out whodunit. Her fun and funky Aunt Audrey joins the investigation, and they get help from surprising real life characters. When Nancy's not having café au lait and beignets at the Café du Monde, she's being chased down Bourbon Street by a man in a hoodie. Come ride the St. Charles streetcar through the Garden District, eat at Brennan's, listen to live jazz in Jackson Square, and learn about voodoo and ghosts with Nancy in her latest adventure.
The Ghost in the Plantation: A Nancy Keene Mystery
by Louise Hathaway
Available as both an eBook and paperback at Amazon & Createspace
How you all doing! I am so excited tofinally see my book published Please go and support me! If you ead my book I promise you will be begging for more!
This story is about a young girl growing up in the ghetto, in poverty surrounded by criminal’s drug addicts, leaving her to grow up thinking that this is what family meant, while falling in and out of love with the streets. Money and Music was her motivation. She went from standing on the corner, murder, and jail time to college, kids, and marriage. A student, A mother, A wife. Learning the ins and outs to life going through several relationships that teaches her lifelong lessons as she is on her way to success, determined to change she finds love with her brothers best friend. A blessing to her, but a curse to his friends.
I love to write,Draw,Dance,and Write songs all songs for Kids Love Songs and Rap. I love to Read as well. I am already started on my next book and in the process of finishing my chidrens challege songs!
I have so many Great Idea'a scared to share them and scared they might pass me by if I take to long with them!
I also have APP idea's and Reality Show Ideas, Game Show Ideas what to do What to do!
I need help fast anyone out there that maybe can lead me in the right directions or want to partner up DONT miss out in the next year or two you'll be like Danggggg I should of hooked up with that girl! Hoping to be the next TYLER PERRY, OR SHONDA RHIMES I AM THE BOTH OF THEM PUT TOGETHER!
I am thrilled to announce that FRONTIER HIGHLANDER VOW OF LOVE, the highly-anticipated fourth novel in my Amazon best-selling American Wilderness Series Romances, will be released this month. This book will make you both weep and laugh while you fall in love with the characters. The story begins in Scotland, but quickly shifts to the American colonies. Here's the book description:
Strathnaver, Scotland, Summer 1792. The Highland Clearances abruptly destroy Artis MacKay's idyllic world. Patrick Steller, the Countess of Sutherland?s estate manager murders Artis? family and burns her village. Forced into indentured servitude in the colonies, she becomes a Virginia plantation servant. After seven long years, Artis receives her freedom dues?land in Kentucky.
Bear MacKee grew up in the Highlands too, but disease claims his parents on his family?s voyage to the colonies. Adopted by the Wyllies, he becomes a loyal and fiercely protective brother who journeys with them to Kentucky. With his brothers safely settled, the time comes for Bear to find his own wife and future.
Their past and their destiny entwined, Artis and Bear meet and pledge their love. But a cold-blooded old enemy and a ruthless new adversary threaten to crush Artis and Bear?s chance for happiness. And the dark side of nature becomes a frightening adversary too. For love to triumph in the wilderness, they must evoke the MacKay Clan motto?Manu Forti?with a strong hand.
The book will be available in both print and eBook formats.
If you would like to be notified of the exact release date, please send me a Goodreads message with your email address or contact me through my website www.dorothywiley.com
Thanks for the suggestions I've received from some of you in this Forum, especially regarding the cover and first chapter.
This psychological thriller about sexual obsession will keep you on the edge of your seats until the very end. It's a riveting murder mystery about a female homicide detective who investigates the brutal murder of two teenage girls on a rural road in Orange County, California. In the course of the investigation, she begins to wonder if the serial killer is the same person who has been making upsetting phone calls to her. She begins to realize that not only does she know him: she used to be in love with him. How much danger must she be willing to put herself into in order to capture him? Based on real events.
This eBook is available at the regular price of 99 cents at Amazon, iTunes, Barnes and Noble, Google Play, and Kobo
To order your free copy, go to Smashwords.com and search under "The Body on Ortega Highway: A Detective Santy Mystery" by Louise Hathaway. Enter the coupon code MC49V at checkout. Offer expires on May 10, 2015. If you like story, please check out the other books in The Detective Santy Mysteries. Reviews are always appreciated, too. Thank you.
The Body on Ortega Highway: A Detective Santy Mystery
you are that constant and the world becomes one around you as you learn and grow. this applied to everyone would make sense if it didn't make better sense that others are variable. people can't be as truthful to others as they can to themselves so they just let go at some point to avoid the beast called derangement.
you can't lie to yourself so you are the constant. and the world would be a better place if there were no lies. the ones with the clearest approach are the ones with some character. the better ones go eccentric. and the best of the lot are closet geniuses.
use all your might when facing a view that doesn't agree with your world-perception and if it doesn't go away then look away from that beast that is partly you in some way knowing you're just and walking away to be a better person, for a better tomorrow / for a better world.
the variables can take care of themselves for now and you will be there to support anything that comes your way that even remotely agrees with you and your world-view. good perceptions are, like, eating as much as you can of the good stuff while leaving out the bad stuff. and know that there are bound to be farts of yesterday when people let each other in to their immediate circle of trust.
beware thy comfy zone as weird stuff disorients the life magnet; the law of averaging out. the perfect average is god unto themself and enlightened to others.
As a teenager, Toni wanted to communicate with girls, although he always felt nervous, he had potential to take part in the group and got happiness, however, pressure was the obvious factor to stop Toni, the pressure was the right interpretation of Toni's silence, because bad guy always hid in the dark and made things under their control. Toni moved on with danger......